i am already feeling burnt out.. it has not even been three months since i decided to devote my time into blogging about books. i do not know what the real aim is. I do not necessarily want to become a “bookstagrammer” or a “booktuber”; but i figured i might as well look into it. but it never felt right. i feel like i am trying to be something or someone that i do not want to be. or better yet, trying to make a career out of a hobby. (i still have my feels up in the air on that one) when i really like something as a hobby, and then the mention of financials enter into the mix, in my mind’s mind, that is considered to be somewhat of a job. like some things, when money gets involved, it gets messy real quick. that is one of the things that have been on my mind, but that was not to be the main point of this blog point. to quickly recap this point, i like writing reviews of books i have read, it feels and comes naturally to me as of late to share my honest opinion and simply share my thoughts. but the other things, that may be involved in it– do i get involve in the instagram and youtube part of it, or no? the self marketing, promoting and networking? i do not naturally like going in front of the camera. i do not care to take photos of the books I have read. i do not care to conform to the general aesthetic of any of these terms but.. if anything i would much rather stay off of social media for the year, But i feel as though i need social media to make me places in life. after all, are you even successful if your photo or video or post has under a thousand hits? so now i am stuck on possibly making my “dreams” come true, or just truly finding my peace of mind, away from screens and technology. i am talking off grid. i started this book blog several months ago, and through it, found interest with writing and “reading”. I started goodreads again, with the goal to “rediscover my “love” for books”. I do all that I do Not because I feel like I like doing it but rather because I feel like I Should do it. “` i grew a lot in such a span. i challenged myself more than i ever had mentally. i took on a metamorphosis and applied myself to things. i will keep up the blog but when it comes to other things, i think i will give up that chase. if you do not know what i am getting at, it is the “”noticeability” factor”. I do not care to reach as much people anymore, but if I do I just do. I do not like having to seek attention to then get popular to then be seen as an equal or get opportunities. Everything like that feels grimey to me. Social media is general feels grimey to me– I think I finally found the word.
i had the goal (rather the “new year’s resolution”) of staying offline. but now i feel like i have goals in mind, of where i can take this project of mine. I call it a project because I do not want to consider it a job, even a possibilities of a job. One can look at it as a side hustle with the possibility of becoming a money maker but not as much effort a real job,essentially just seeing where things go. Essentially everything was to be Just 4 Fun.
i have an End of the Year post coming out on the last day of the year. I Had made a goal to complete a hundred books by twenty twenty. i will now be retracting that statement. the new aim is,
how long will it take to get to a hundred books?
regardless of time, speed, book size and mode. There is no limit.
because if anything, all of this reading is hurting me. and though, i have been reading a lot more that i ever had in my life, i feel the need to “keep up with everyone”. i see there are readathons and people reading six books in a day and tags and such and i placed the pressure on myself (not even going to blame society) to be that good enough. but i can not. to be fair, i never really gave it a try but for my health, i will not. all the power to those who can do such an incredible feat. before my current status, i could barely finish a book in a month. the fact that i was able to do what i have been doing is incredible.
but i have finished about ten or so books this year (since mid october). i think most people i have come across online, have finished that in a month. i feel the need to surrender. i have been comparing myself to other readers, thus why i never wanted to come back to social media*, but i followed something in me that wanted to start this blog in the first place. it was not because i enjoyed reading, it all seemed like a fun, “easy to do” concept. i am going to step back into my “slow living lifestyle” ways, and become a “slow reader”, no rush, just reading what I can at a time. maybe even back to one book at a time.
*i will use my social media to cheer on other readers. i will do what i do best and be the cheerleader for others. and briefly, occasionally, if i feel like it, say when there is a new post out. as mentioned, social media + self promo makes me feel some type of way. : / but as usual, i am still in my comfort zone about things. things could change. idk
`cloudy head + “competition”
i do not want to make reading a competition. i want to see other readers as my peers, my friends, not someone to get a higher reading over (which may never happen lol). reading to be leisure, for fun, maybe even relaxation, possibly as an escape but not a race to read the most books. of everything mentioned in this post, i am talking of myself. i am not @ing anyone. i will cherish if i finish one book in a month, or even five in a month. i may make the goal of a hundred books in a year, or i might make it to just twenty, either way i will be appreciative. all of these words and pages and more often than not, scrolling on the Kindle app, has my head cloudy in mental fog. something I have experienced (the heavy headiness, blurry vision, confusion and such) unfortunately should not even be happening [again]. the remedy was to remove myself from the source of problem(s) and, for that, i must take care. no more keeping up appearances.
e-book. + audio books
with the desire to read more books, i went to e-books. i borrow all of my e-books from the library– i can not afford [and do not want to spend money], on a book i may or may not enjoy and i do not want to have much books around me, i am trying to downsize. The ebook has been taking a toll on my eyes and well, eyes are important lol to reading book. Audio book are out of the question. I may listen to them but I have yet to finish one. I can not seem to follow along with and enjoy them & they will never beat reading a real book.
[~~~a living out of it?]
i had hopes of making this blog as a source of income because i have been unemployed for a long time. but now i will keep it as is, with a donation part, but [money] will not be so much of my main focus anymore for this site. If it happens, it happens.
i have not had the mental space to focus on much else. from experience, when things get too overwhelming i tend to blank out as not to take on too much. become very lax. reading had been a game changer in my life. i do not want to give it up. but i need to know when to stop. i Need to take the rest of the year off. what was a thought, is now an actuality. i need to give myself room and space to breathe. and for a second, my life needs to stop revolving around reading a book. i wanted to get back into art, my other businesses?, watch series, + do some more searching but I can not do all or any of those things with a(n) (e)book to my nose. I am making a space for creating and doing more. that is an intention.
fantasy and the witcher.
i love fantasy books. they have always been my favourites. especially a dark, twisted fantasy. but something in me broke when i was reading under wildwood and wildwood imperium. something shifted but i can not recall exactly how and why it happened. i think reading them in e-book had a lot to do with it. there was so much strain on me emotionally, mentally and physically to upkeep. i went right into reading the second Witcher on ebook because I had it on hold for ebook from the library and if i did not accept, i would be charged. for those who do not know, i am Obsessed and in love with the Witcher anything. It is everything. But, I have been having the hardest time getting through the book. I am a little less that half way though but I can not make myself go on, days have gone on and I am absolutely fried. Somewhat literally. My eyes and whole being is rejecting it. I can not bring myself to read on ebook right now, and I can not stand to read yet another Fantasy On ebook. I think Wildwood has really swamped me. From that, I have made the hard decision to stop reading the Witcher, and I will possibly let many months go by before I get back to it, if ever. I also would like to read it in person, “next time around” and I want to take a mighty step back and away from fantasy books in general. I want to venture off in another genre I enjoy, such as nonfiction, especially historical non fiction. I have a list of books I have for reading and that I want to read that are not historical nonfiction but I will eventually get into hist non fic. I will have an abbreviated, abridged version of a review for what I did read for the Witcher and that will come out in a weeks time or so.
i may have forgot more than half of the other points i wanted to bring up in this post. but as always, if i have anything to mention, i will blog about it. i am also considering having blog posts like this out on mailchimp? we will see. i will take that much needed break away that I have been hinting at for
quiet quite some time, coming back refreshed. if you are as confused as I at this blog post, I guess a tl;dr, will be that I am putting my (mental) health first and am going slower. I see no more competition, no more rush but taking time for rest as need be. reading will be fun and explorative for me. it is a project, not so much a set goal as a job for me anymore. I branch out from it, trying out new avenues where they may lead to but I always keep in mind that this is a hobby; something that should never to be taken so seriously. More or less: I read, I share. I grow. I repeat.